When I was doing my morning practice of yoga and meditation recently, it dawned on…
Your 2017 Menopausal Horoscope
Are you peri-menopausal? Menopausal? Or maybe post-menopausal? If so, here is what you can expect in 2017. Leave the “tall dark and handsome” predictions for younger women. We need information about sleep, vaginal dryness, and anti-aging creams.
Aries: Congratulations! It is a magical time for Aries. In 2017, your old lady smell will be coming in. Embrace the scent of your golden years. Don’t forget to buy a sachet for your underwear drawer and make sure all your blouses have a ruffle in the front.
Taurus: You will jump on a trampoline with your granddaughter and re-examine the smugness you feel about the strength of your bladder. Do not fret. It’s okay. Just because you peed a little, doesn’t mean you need adult diapers. Just stay away from trampolines.
Gemini: In 2017, you learn how it is possible to be both cold and sweating at the same exact time. This is an exciting time when you find yourself layering clothes like wooly cardigans with spaghetti strap tank tops. Do not let anyone tell you this combo isn’t age appropriate. If they do, tell them they can kiss your cold, sweaty, menopausal ass.
Cancer: You finally find the perfect anti aging cream. Haha, just kidding. Your skin gets thin and crepe-y no matter what. Just go with it. Your face is your face and your skin is your skin. Be happy in it.
Leo: This is your year to roar. Well, not roar as much as hearing a roar in your ears. Really, you should appreciate the roaring, it helps drown out the neighbor who sits in his driveway and revs his motorcycle for hours. Also, the roaring in your ears keep those weird floaty things in your eyes company.
Virgo: Try not to get too excited, Virgos, but 2017 is the year you wake up one morning and feel totally rested. Like not tired at all. You realize decades have passed since you last felt completely rested. Appreciate that day, because it’s going to be the last one of your life.
Libra: A big shout out to 2017 Libras. As a Libra you have officially saved enough money, due to not having to buy personal lady things, to take a trip to your nearest tourist trap destination. Don’t forget to visit the house of mysteries! The house of mysteries defies gravity and trust me, that situation is your friend.
Scorpio: You experience a weird influx of cravings in 2017. Go with your cravings. Peanut butter and jam on cinnamon raisin muffins is a valid dinner. Remember to occasionally come back from menopause munchie land and have a salad. One cannot live on dark chocolate alone.
Sagittarius: You succeed in fighting the urge to kill other humans when they claim post-menopausal women have diminished sex drives. Perhaps, we do have our moments when our lady gardens are a vast and dry desert, but there are all sorts of flavored products that help our parched vaginas. Just because lubing up takes us a little longer doesn’t mean we don’t want our oil changed. Or something like that.
Capricorn: Capricorn’s accept their white, wiry eyebrows. You can pull them out, but they return and bring friends. You can use tinted brow gel, but your white, wiry eyebrow hairs shrug that off like water from a duck’s ass. This is the year you welcome your eyebrows to the rest of your face. Be grateful they exist as the only thing that looks more weird than white, wiry eyebrow hairs is no eyebrows at all.
Aquarius: In 2017, you make peace with your uterus. It’s been years since the two of you first started fighting. Remember that day? You were in Freshman gym class, square dancing and your uterus kind of exploded and caused you to writhe in pain. The relationship went downhill from there. Now that you’ve grown older together, it’s time to make friends again. Make this the first year you don’t utter “I wish I could have another baby”. Those words just stress your uterus out.
Pisces: Pisces women find that balance between falling more in love with their partner and fighting the urge to smother them in their sleep. We accept the fact we find our partner’s quirks both adorable and annoying. Try focusing on the “adorable” aspect and less on the “I want to shove them in a crate and sink them in a well” side.