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10 Things You Never Knew You Wanted (But Now You Absolutely Need)

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We’ve just found a new writers crush – Mary Laura Philpott and had to share this laugh-out loud (that’s #LOL  in new age speak) article with you so you can add these awesome outfits to your Christmas wishlist.

Just call us  “Kurt”.

 

Are you good at resisting advertising? I try not to be a sucker, but time and again, the glossy ads in fashion magazines draw me in with their magical promises. I don’t think I have any interest in the high-couture lifestyle they’re offering . . . until suddenly I do.

Take a look. Don’t you want it all, too?

 

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If you’d asked me yesterday, “What’s on your wish list?” I wouldn’t have said sparkly red gravity-defying sneaker-huaraches, because I’d never seen any. But now I have — and now I feel stupid for walking around vertically like some basic fool all this time.

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At first, I thought, “Matching blue lace top and leggings with reverse shin zippers? Hard pass.” But then I looked at Jennifer Connelly’s face and posture and thought, CHANGE OF OPINION, MADAME CHAIRPERSON. She is not kidding around. I’m positive that if I wore this getup to go ask for a big raise, my boss would be like, “Are those leggings . . . cuffed?” And I’d say, “Cuffed like a motherfucker, ma’am.” And she’d be like, “Here’s a wad of cash for your tiny suitcase.” And I’d say, “Nice doing business with you.” And we’d high-five and that would be that.

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I thought I liked cupcakes, but that was before Gucci gave me the option of boobcakes.

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You know, I generally flip right past bridal gown pictures, but then BAM, this one came along and changed everything. I may not need to wear a wedding dress, but I absolutely want to throw wedding dresses out the window of my Parisian apartment while also flinging my haughty gaze at the commoners below.

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If I tried on this hip-hugging, one-shouldered, flared capri Jetsons-partysuit in a boutique, I’d probably think holy drunk paperdolls, these are a poor fit. But now that I see the demonstration, I get it. This is what I want to wear every evening when my children come in the door asking what’s for dinner. That tiny crust of baguette on the counter is what’s for dinner, kids. Now skedaddle — mommy’s got to hold the fridge up until dad gets home with the new robot.

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Chanel is bringing it this season. And by “it” I mean a spoonful of extra hallucinogenic marshmallows in every bowl of Lucky Charms, because WHOA. I like to imagine that in the creative meeting for this shoot, everyone sat around the table and threw in ideas: blue iridescent hose? YES. Pointy pink nail art? Yeah! 73 pounds of necklaces? OK! The hairdo all toddlers make on their parents when the parents fall asleep on the sofa? Indeed! And just when they thought they had reached optimal overkill and they were all finished, one guy — let’s call him Kurt — was like, “Wait. It needs something else.” And everyone was like, “What, Kurt? WHAT DOES IT NEED??” And Kurt whispered dramatically: “yellow eyebrows.” And then everyone in the room completely lost their shit and clapped and wept and threw their pencils down and put Kurt on their shoulders and carried him out of the room to a celebratory happy hour down the street.

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Sure, you can gawk anonymously at strangers from behind plain old sunglasses, but this helmet allows you to stare at people undetected while also shooting salad from your ears. The space mittens seem like a nice way to protect a fresh manicure, too. I simply must have the whole ensemble. Nothing else will do.

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Where’s my hairdryer? Shhhh. I can’t tell you. I don’t need it anymore. I’m the Frizz Queen of Butterfly Bordello.

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Read the whole article and see number #9 & 10  at the source: 10 Things You Never Knew You Wanted (But Now You Absolutely Need)

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Balance Team

This article was written by the brains trust of Balance . We are a talented team of writers and contributors with real life experience and a passion for finding balance.

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